Torn
by The Last Ronin
Summary: Companion to "Disgusted". Years of pain caused Emma to build a fortress around her heart that she had no intention of ever leaving. However, from the moment they met, a certain pirate has been dismantling that fortress brick by brick and Emma isn't sure how much longer her walls will hold...or if she even still wants them to.


I felt that the looks passing between Killian and Emma after their conversation in the cave at the beginning of 3x05 were conveying a ton of emotion between the two and was a bit surprised that no one else seemed to pick up on them. So, I wrote this: a bit of what I think was running through Emma's mind during that scene.

Enjoy!

_**~The Last Ronin~**_

He's pissed.

He's pissed and if I hadn't already been aware of that fact, his angry glare would have clued me in real fast. But I had been aware because he's angry at me…and that bugs me more than I care to admit. No, that's not right. It more than just bugs me and its more than just because of him. There's a tight knot in my stomach not just because he's angry at me, but because right now I know that I deserve his anger.

What he'd told me back in the cave was… I understood what he was really saying. Like so many times before, he'd been able to convey volumes with just a few short words. And also like so many times before, those volumes were exactly what I needed to hear. He hadn't been flirting with me, he hadn't been trying to bond with me. He had simply been offering a bit of comfort and reassurance. So why couldn't I thank him for that, like a normal person?

Why is my knee-jerk reaction around him to lash out? To injure? Why must I constantly attack him when it's the furthest thing in the world from what I want to do. I'd told him I wasn't in the mood and not for the first time had I found myself wishing that he was as good at detecting lies as I am because then he would have been able to call me on that lie. The truth is, I'm always in the mood for his little jokes or jabs or flirtations or…really anything he has to offer.

And that scares me.

His anger won't last though. Among other things, he's proven himself unmatchably persistent and soon this will blow over and he'll be back to joking and flirting with me. Why won't he give up when he knows I'm just going to hurt him again? I wish he would give up because I don't want to hurt him anymore. Because seeing that pain in his eyes hurts _me_.

He won't give up, I know that, though I can't fathom why anyone would put up with what I've put him through for such…damaged goods. But he started his siege on my heart the moment our eyes first met – his every joke and jest, every flirtatious, innuendo laced comment, every look…each one punching a hole through my armor as if it were made of paper and not the brick and mortar and steel I'd crafted it from. Of course he's not going to give up.

He's winning.

A shiver runs through me at that thought. He's winning this war he's waging against my past full of heartache and pain. What's even worse is that I'm torn between cheering him on and heading for the hills. No. That's not true. I know what I want but I'm still too bound by the chains of my past. So I do nothing but watch him and wait for his next attack to break a few more of those chains because it will.

I need to put a stop to this. I need to stop looking at him because the others are going to start to notice. Already I can feel my mother watching me and if I don't look away from him she's going to know and I can't…I'm…I'm not ready for that.

With great effort I pull my eyes from his and return my focus to the rope I'm making. I shudder though from the weight of his stare still burning into me and for a moment my hands falter and my eyes flick back up to his. For a brief second, the angry mask cracks and the corners of his mouth lift up in a smile.

He knows, of course and I force myself to look away because the situation is getting dangerous – I can feel…can see…the tension between us sparking through the air. Any longer and everyone else will be seeing it too…and I can't let that happen. Not now.

For now, I can't let anyone else know exactly how far this pirate has broken through my walls.

Or how happy I am that he has.


End file.
